J

 oh man.

this journal has been awfully neglected. but rest assured it's not dead.
somehow somewhere someday sometime, i'll just pop by to revive it like now.

hahah. you can catch me here, twitter, or newold.tumblr 
oh wells.

till things start looking up in december again.
push on my friends.

I sold off my ride.

I really enjoyed riding.
I still love riding.

Such oxymoron.

Ever since my accident in last November,
I haven't been at ease whenever I'm on my ride.

and I just couldn't comprehend why.
I whispered a silent pray
and still, I..

never could understood why.

I persisted and continued riding,
until I witnessed a bike accident right before my eyes.

You know they always said there are some things you just can't defy,
I meant the words of the big guy up there.

There are so many wrongs I have done in my life,
besides having you by my side,
I hope this is the next thing that's right.

we can only keep moving forward,
it's such a harsh reality,
yet we've to be accepting towards such cruelty.

time waits for no one,
indeed.

have i sunken;
am i lost in time?

i wonder.

it is just bkk.

i can never understand why you can get so upset over it.

studies are more important, ain't it?

oh well.






i find myself still living in the shadows, still missing my granddad a lot.

till we meet again,
farewell;

granddad.


(many thanks to those who have came down, i really appreciate it.)

the one whom I long for,
The One whom I wished I could collapse onto,
The nearest to the heart yet the furthest away from me.

I'm tired,
awfully drained.

the day; i'll never forget.

1335;
you ceased to exist,
You stopped breathing.

The same route which I take,
It feels strangely different,
It feels empty, just like a dejavu.

I wish you peace,
I wish you well,
I hope you're in a place that's free from pain and suffering.

a dutiful rest which you truly deserve;
after slogging for ninety nine years.

To the most well respected man in my life,
Rest in peace, ah gong.

I pray that granny will tide through this,
And I know you will watch over her,
and you'd never let her come to harm;
wherever you are.

Farewell ah gong,
Regards,
Ah mei (your granddaughter)

it's enough.

today, i'm defeated by words.
i found myself tongue-tied.
emotions overwhelmed yet drained.

at least for now,
i just don't know what else to say anymore.

i need to breathe, all over again.
i feel empty.

"a strangled smile fell on your face,
it kills me that i hurt you this way."

i don't wish to breathe a word.
and i'm fucking incoherent, anyway.

i feel frustrated.
fucking frustrated.

i don't understand and
i don't fucking understand.

dear all, it's been long! : )
in the blink of eye, we've just welcomed the brand new year, 2009.

as i was saying.. the last post was about my accident.
i'm kicking alive dear friends, if you guys haven't forgotten me that is! :)
this is gonna be a straight-forth and lengthy post, please bare with me.

last year, 2008, requires a proper closure
and this year, 2009, requires a proper opening.

allow me to backtrack all the way back to november 2008, sounds awfully long, doesn't it?

in the midst of my most critical project, se (Software Engineering), the project that was going.. going and going down under.. together with the date line for PMSB (another project) plus.. Comms(Another Project).. knocking at the back of my head...

i met with an accident on 4-November-2008, with a reckless yellow hyundai cab. i won't go into the gory details but no one knew the agony i had, when you have endless datelines.. and out of the many projects, the most critical project was going nowhere else but in a downward spiral direction. my members were disheartened, disappointed with each other.. the most abled member wasn't exactly at his best throughout. and during the most critical period, there i was, an accident.

speaking of the accident, two days after the accident, one of my project mate told me something which i'll never forget.

he was strangely calmed and said, "jacilyn, you know that day.. that night when you met with an accident.."
and i replied, "yah?"
he: "i had vision of you and your bike.. and i just felt the urge to pray for you."
he paused.
and continued, "and i did. i prayed for you as i was walking home"

i was touched, really.
i was lost for words.
no one would know how thankful i was, how grateful i was.

i guess there's something else you guys wouldn't know.. a lot of people told me how amazed they were and how lucky i was to survive the whole ordeal with just blueblacks when they saw my whacked bike. (keep a look out for my next post, i'll post the pictures of my bike the "before" and "after")

really, really thankful.

true enough, in the end, the fate of that project was an incomplete submission yet as much as i was disappointed, i was glad that we managed to pull it off altogether, maintained closed ties and not chew off each other's head.. except for one.. and i guess that's an almost forgone friendship. no one would understand the pain of "SE" unless having being through it, really. we sacrificed much sleep.. time.. everything. for those who hasn't been through it, imagine having to do a final year project within 1 month, with limited resource and knowledge in a team of supposedly 5 (but 4 members in reality).. with project requirements changed almost towards the end of the project and changes constantly. not only do you have to learn to manage the team, the project itself, but also the last minute requirement changes. at the same time, you need to cope with almost fortnightly presentation. the stress level was up there.

i'm glad that i've been there, done that, and survived through it. it's certainly not easy. a lot.. a lot and heaps of motivations definitely.

it was not all that easy as it sounded. i had many concurrent projects.. and my accident had added much stressed to me. why, you may ask. i paid a huge sum for my bike.. and i still had outstandings payment $2000 + $138 monthly to clear. and after crashing my bike, i incurred another $2300 for just repairs alone, not calculating the medical expenses i have spent.

yes, as you are reading this, you may say that "you asked for it". i probably did, because i did proper calculations, but i forgot to include the possibility "opportunity cost", in the even that i'm involved in an accident that is. (i mean, i din't foresee myself getting into one, seriously.) 
i din't wanna ask my mom, or anyone. the stressful part about money.. can really kill. especially when all my projects are not going smoothly. i was basically trying to juggle everything.

truthfully, i couldn't have made it without God's grace. thankfully, "jackye" from my workshop was being very nice to allow me to do minimum repayment every month. i was allowed to delay payment until now. as of now, i'm proud to have cleared $1300. : ) i know i still have a huge sum to go.. i'm not giving up. : )

during the month of december, i was juggling being a tutor for two kids.. and being an intern barista in geek terminal. together with regular capoeira chingay rehearsal and telemarketing. it sounds crazy, doesn't it? i fell ill at least 3 times in the month of december.. flu, throat infection, fever and cold, due to fatigue. i have yet to cover my bike repairs but i believe the money i have earned should be able to cover quite a sum. and praise God really, because in december itself, i tried applying for a notebook loan offered by citi using baby's receipt... an almost absurd idea to repay all my bike stuff (you see, this notebook loan requires you to purchase a notebook up front, and they would loan you the amount that you have spent at an absorbed interest rate.. repaying them within 24 months, which i calculated.. and i can manage given the cash i have.) you know, both baby and i knew that it was almost impossible that the application would be approved, still we decided to give it a shot. and you seriously can't imagine how thankful we were that the application was approved, God's grace really. : )

i do apologize if i'm jumping all over the place.. but everything is scattered all over..
if you're still following, please bear with it and i sincerely apologize. : )

as i was talking about my project earlier... "SE" project.. the very same guy who prayed for me.. the very same guy who worked the hardest for the project despite having the least experience and knowledge, he gave his all more than he could ever. and i was really thankful that he's my friend, my project battle mate. despite all the hardwork, all that he had received, was none more than a D+ grade, which i felt awfully unfair to him.

no one deserves such a grade, especially one that's so awfully hardworking, really. no one deserves such a grade especially when he gave his best more that he ever could.

and i thought the least i could do, was to speak up for him. i logged on to msn and IM my prof, the one who was in-charge in grading it together with 4 other profs. i raised the issue and he promised me he would look into it together with 4 other profs (imagine how 'large scaled' the project was.)

i din't want my friend to lose his spirit, i din't want him to be disheartened.. and i told him what i had done, which was the least i could ever do for him.. and you know, i really respect him for his spirit..

that very afternoon.. i checked my email.. and received a reply from him (my friend).

Email 1:
"Hey J,

Thanks for that effort man, I really appreciate it. I think Prof is right, my individual components pull me down generally, so ya.. Thank you for standing up for me, I haven’t lost that desire to do well in everything though, don’t worry.. "

nice spirit there, isn't it? :)

And you know, what's the most shocking thing?
the following day.. i received the email from my prof....

Email 2:

Hi,

We reviewed your grade for IS203 and added an extra project bonus to
your final score.  You can check .. to see your new score.

Best wishes for any remaining exams and have a good holiday!

Prof R

I was taken aback. I swear. When i went to check my grade, my professor actually pushed up my grade? it was something I never expected, really.

And as I wanted to email my friend to check on him... his email came in....

Email 3:
Hey J,

Good news, Thank God and thank you! The instructors reviewed my grade and increase it by one grade. I doubt they’ll do anything like this if you had not mention anything man. I was quite shocked when they send me email about SE, for once I thought it was really over and no more discussion on that. Thanks to you man!

Miraculous, isn't it?
: )

Moving on moving on... my birthday.. I had the most meaningful 21st birthday ever! Baby booked the aqua room Majesty hotel for me, she got me a haircut and 21 gifts. Of which, the most meaningful gift was a video compilation from all my friends! The video still lies nicely on my table, something which I would constantly pop into my lappy and never failed to plant a smile on my face.

A big fat thank you girlies and baby. : ) it really mean so much to me. baby, you together with the girls, gave me the best birthday present, the best birthday celebration i ever had. I can't thank you all enough. : ) Really.

and

when i was in the library, on the eve of my birthday, 7th november.. i was in school all the way till 0000.. rushing my assignments.. and during dinner time, MIC was the sweetest ever. the boys bugged me to have dinner.. lied to me that they had to withdraw money and conveniently led me into delifrance opposite school just to give me a simple dinner treat together with a superrrrrr longgggg chocolate cake which they had prepared. i really really appreciate that, boys! : ) you boys make my school life awesome among the shitty projects! : D
Lengthy, isn't it?

Moving on to.. 2009..

There are many things which I wanna do.. but have to be done.. i'll write it all down right here.
1. Time Management
2. Spend time with my friends
3. Tactful (towards baby)
4. Be a regular church go-er (don't laugh)

These are some of the things.. and I wanna work towards them.

Baby:
You know darling, i know i'm not a perfect person, but still i'm learning to be one as days go by. One thing i really wanna do for you is to be good to you, and learn to be tactful. Be patient with me as i take you through this journey, the journey of change. I know you're upset and disheartened about whatever that has happened, i just want you to know that amongst these uncertainities, i'll hold your hand, standby you and guide you through. You're not alone in this rocky roads. and i just want you know, the reason why i stand strong, and be able to get to where i am now, it's only because of you. you're my motivation, my motivator, together with the rest of them. i love you sunshine : )

Row:
idiot! Spend more time together okay? Cause I want us to be happily going out and still remain close together. I want you to know that i'm always two steps behind, always catching you should you ever fall. You can always count on me. you know, DA zero, just call, it's 24/7 for you. you know the numbers, and you know the usual, two steps behind : D

WT:
HELLO kuku! you know, like you, i miss those times when we were close. could you make some time for me? you know, i'm still the same old jas. the one who will listen to you, give you my 5-cents worth, the straightforward-ness. i'm always by your side to catch you when you fall. so, please stay close okay?

Cryssie:
Don't be sad and emo okay? You know when i saw you today, it feels like you don't like to hang out with us anymore. You're more quiet, more reserved and more withdrawn. I still miss the same old crystal whom i can disturb and you'll jab.. i know things haven't been going on well for you, but still, i really want you to know that you're not alone. you have row, wt, jen and me. i'll let you scream at me. just know that you're not alone. be strong and be happy okay crys? horny bitch. honey family remember?

Hazel:
thanks for always being ever ready to lend a helping hand, and thanks for helping me through the difficult times. you know, these are the little things i'll never forget. and likewise, i want you to know that i'll render the same amount of assistance and even more, all that i can give, should you need anything. hazel, truthfully, i miss the times when we were closed, those times when i just booked studying room in SMU for you.

Eileen, Leen leen leen:
i know this is surprising, i really din't mean to pangseh you all the time. but school is really busy, or maybe i just have awful time management. but i promise you, once my bike is ready, i'll give you a spin! which i owe you.. i'll drive you to tiong poh road for nice congee! we both are pigs for good food ever since poly, isn't it!

Char Dear & HK ah hua:
char dearrrrrrrrrr... hk ah huaaaaaaaaaaa...
i always see you both as one.. my goodie goodie kuku friends.
hahaha. how can i ever forget you both?

char dear & hk ah hua, i'm thankfully for the many years of friendships that we have... how we went through thick and thin together.. thank you for standing up for me during the times when things go wrong for me. i can't imagine my life without you both. : ) i'm really glad that we still are so close after so many 3$#@(_$#@($(#@ donkey years of our lives.

please please. we need to picnic this year okay?

i'm just sidetracking. i just want you both to know that.. you know, no matter what happens, jas is always here. even though i may not be physically near and i'm never too far from you guys.. i'll always be there for you guys, whether things GO WRONG, HAYWIRE.. and should they be perfectly fine, you know i'll still be with you guys. : ) i love you both idiots! just knw that you can count on me you know!!

Tribe:
hello tribers, girlies girlies.. it's been years since we are known as "tribers". i think you girls haven't been happy with me for my absence and truthfully, it is really disheartening to know that we could actually drift these much by not meeting. i really don't know. i miss those times when we were still close.. when we would laugh over nothing and everything..

you guys would probably think that i'm responsible for the drift, as much as i can, i sincerely apologize for the lack of time spent with you guys. i seriously don't know if you guys would read this, but i still miss the tribe collectively.. and us being close.

geri, truthfully, there's not much of an issue between us. over gotham that night, i was quite disappointed because you were the one i least expect to receive sacarstic remarks from.. and i least expect you to just roll your eyes at me. to be honest, even till lam's place at 28th dec, i was still unhappy because i was equally disappointed and upset with you. i guess on my part i'm just being petty.. and i apologize for that. can we let bygones be bygones.. for the sake that it is 2009? : )

Sammie:
bitchy! i hope all's good for the new year. i'm sorry i haven't been able to speak to you on a regular basis but as much as i can i wanna chat with you as often and one of my many to do list for the year of 2009 and the many years ahead is to have a regular meet up with you and rah rah. truthfully, i still miss the lameass sec2 days... when we were a jackass.. or probably i was the jackass. hahah. : ) how we whine, bitch, etc etc over msn with much other. i promise you i'll clean up all the mess and the lousy projects and time management and just keep to spending time with you. you know how you'd always catch my back? i will too. i have never left. you know the usual, twoo steps behind you!

Pig:
piggy pig, i'm sorry for not speaking to you for yonks. i have been awfully busy. thanks for listening to me whenever i'm down and.. rendering the regular advises.. the article you sent whne i was awfully worried about my mom.. and i certainly enjoy bitching with you.. the regular lunching on wed last last sem! please spare me some time while i spare you mineeeee toooooo.. we need regular catch up.. before you fly off okayy? please please!

for all my friends, i love you all.
and thanks for being part and parcel of my life.
you and you are responsible for making it whole. :)

i can't fucking take it anymore.
fucking paper that screwed up completely.

fucking project datelines that clash.
like crap.

arh.
shut the fuck up and get moving.

two weeks more to project submission.
fuck.

"i feel stupid to love you the way i do"

it's been inside my head, a stinging pain.
I never knew the pain could be so real.

my mom's okayy! i'm happy happy happy, like literally bouncing when i learnt about it! :)

Thanks for those who have offered their prayers.. those who have text.. those who have tried to pin down all my anxiety. : )
A big fat thank you really. : )





:)

i can only thank the big big big big big guy upstairs
for all the miracles.

it couldn't have been possible without Him.

and the one who has always been by my side.
despite my stinking attitude.

i haven't felt this way for the longest period of time,
this fear, is so alive.
it swallows me whole and it left me grasping for help..
i'm losing it all and it's almost effortless.

today;
many a times, i almost succumbed to my fear..
i was on the verge of tearing in front of everyone, i could not control it.
the tears were at the corner of my eyes.
i'm afraid, i'm so terrified.

i couldn't speak.

i could do nothing but to sit and pray.. keeping it all to myself
simply because i don't know what to make outta it.

fears.
i can't contain it, i can't stop it from consuming me

you know, it's like as if your old childhood nightmare is awakened and has returned back to life.. haunting and that's how it feels to me.

i can't exhibit how i truly feel, for they're not obligated to listen to me.. neither do i
wanna bother them with my thoughts and my worries.

all that i have, all that i fear.. is kept between nothing more than this journal and me,
You and me.

no one could empathize or understand.

the fear of losing someone whom you truly love, your only kin..
the thought of seeing her being possibility subjected to pain..
the thought of knowing that you're powerless to make it okay..

it scares me, real bad.

---------------------------------------------------------------

i met up with H and M.. and i felt strangely better after that.
so much that.. it felt like my fears seemed to have been taken care of.

it was the first time, the first time that H offered to pray before dinner with me
H blessed the meal that we had and prayed for me, the issue that i was worried about.

and throughout, H and M kept assuring me that it was gonna be okay..
M said.. "confessed with your mouth... and trust with your heart. have faith and it will be okay."

it was a strange divine intervention.
i don't know what to make outta it but it really helped to ease my fear, drastically.
my heart which was weighing a ton a moment ago, felt like it has just been uprooted and alive all over again.

strange but true. :)

---------------------------------------------------------------

J

between 2000 - 0000,

i was hoping that you'd call, because i was worried sick.
your phone is with me and there's no way i could contact you, do you know how worried i was?
i called your place and your sister said you weren't home.. and that obviously din't help.

and when i finally managed to get you through C, all you had for me was "i'm tired, i'm gonna bed."
i respect it but do you know how it feels on my part?

baby, do you even know i was fucking worried for you?

i don't know if you're gonna even call me tomorrow or ever again,
still, i have to tell you what i meant to tell you a moment again when i called you up

"today's bad day, a really lousy day.
 i was fucking worried, anxious and equally fearful at the same time.
 when all these feelings mixed and mashed into one, i really din't know what to make outta it.
 
 and for the intense amount of fear i have,
 it really killed me instantly, leaving me really fearful and even more worried than before
 the moment you said what you did over the phone

 i couldn't help but put up my defensive mechanism to flare.. cut off the line politely simply because i know 
 if i were to continue, i might just blow up.
 because i'm just really that terrified of what you've said to me
 and i became protective, a naive part of me was hoping that; that would help make it[whatever that i was   
 worried about] okay

 and i apologize for what i've done,
 because at the end of the day, i know you meant well and you meant no harm
 but i just couldn't help it just now.

 it's not a brilliant excuse
 but neither is it non-justifiable

 for hurting you, upsetting you and causing you distress
 i'm truly sorry.'

it kills me to hurt you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

it's only through trials and tribulations that will spur one to start treasuring the people around you.

when i got home, i did nothing but made a point to talk to my mom a little.
i asked her about everything and did not probe much further.
i stole a glance at her and left her alone to watch her dvds.

they said have faith and pray without ceasing.
and i'll do so... just trusting, J.



 

it was ZAP ZIP ZAP ZAP ZIP ZIP ZOOMED,
and if you figured what i'm saying, my 4 months of summer break has came and gone. :(

today's sunday, and yes, next week denotes the start of school. (oh fuck!)
so fast.. so so so fast, i haven't had enough of my fair share.
then again, it will never be enough, isn't it?

oh well. these days, i haven't been doing anything futile,
i've turned into a messy couch potato ever since the start of olympics..
(Singapore is FINALLY getting a medal after 40+ years.. congrats! :D)
and i'm eagerly waiting for taekwondo 'segment' to commence... tomorrow, tomorrow, i suppose.

that aside, i have been spending 3$(#@_$#@($#@ amount of time to get my lazy arse down to prepare for school.
yes, preparation for school, shits.

and this is what i've been doing...


and this..


and of course.... I'm still undone...




And by His grace.... I am proud to......


simply because...........

in the midst of uncertainties,
how nice would it be to have someone breathe these words to one's that's utterly battered and worn out

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"